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Clemens Claims It Was Garth Brooks At The Canseco Party

3rd March, 2008 - 7:16 pm

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By Buster Gunning

Roger Clemens has been under intense pressure to come clean in regards to the steroid allegations mentioned in the now infamous Mitchell Report. The latest accusation has Mr. Clemens mingling at a Jose Canseco celebration back in 2008 and allegedly inquiring to the brother of Ozzie Canseco on how to obtain “performance enhancing drugs.

In his latest statement, Clemens denies being at the party and claims the video footage portraying him at the shindig was actually country music legend Garth Brooks.

Taken from Roger Clemens latest press release:

“I never asked Jose Canseco how to acquire performance enhancing drugs because I was never at his party. I reviewed the videotaped evidence against me, and I can prove that I was never at that party to begin with."

“For starters, I don’t wear my cowboy hat in public. Second, and you can ask anybody who is close to me, I have never played an impromptu version of ‘Dixie Chicken’ not even after ingesting multiple ecstasy tablets have I dared attempt such a feat in public.”

Mr. Clemens' chief lawyer Rusty Hardin explained that it is the opinion of Clemens and his judicial council that the man the authorities have identified as the condemned pitcher is actually country music hero Garth Brooks.

According to Hardin:

"It is widely know within country music circles that singer Garth Brooks has been taking steroids since the early-nineties. In fact, if you listen to the lyrics ‘The Thunder Rolls’ he uses thunder rolling as a metaphor for shooting up. This following passage taken from the album ‘No Fences’ explains Mr. Brooks reaction to getting caught shooting up in the bathroom. As you can plainly see, even after his secret was revealed, Mr. Brooks was not deterred in any way and continued his injection.”

She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive
But on the wind and rain
A strange new perfume blows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes
And he knows that she knows
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls

(Buster Gunning is well aware that waiting is not spelled “waitin” and lightning is not spelled “lightnin’ and apologizes for any confusion this may have created).

Garth Brooks was unavailable for comment; however, sources close to the country music icon have reported him livid with the accusations, and some rumors have him challenging Mr. Clemens to a good old-fashioned duel to the death. No weapons.

What’s your favorite Garth Brooks' steroid song?: Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.

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